Just a little comic relief from SHOUTS & MURMURS in the New Yorker, by Bruce McCall,
(thanks to my friend Pheona Wright for the tip off to the article…)
Congratulations! The application on behalf of your child for a place in the pre-kindergarten class for the 2012-13 academic year at The School has been rejected. This permits you to begin the Type-A Parent Appeal Process. We think of it as just the kind of challenge that makes the type-A parent’s life worth living.
Type-A Parent Appeal Process
Necessary forms: A hand-delivered letter on the stationery of a New Jersey waste-haulage firm, folded around a rock and thrown through the stained-glass window of The School’s library, will secure you the pamphlet “Explaining the Type-A Parent Appeal Process.” Not everyone needs to submit a formal appeal; if you prefer, The School’s admissions officer will assign your child a number between 56,000 and 61,000, which makes him or her eligible for the lottery that will establish the preliminary pool of alternate standby pre-kindergarten candidates for the class of 2013-14.
If, like many type-A parents, you find this option unsatisfactory, you may take one of the following steps:
1. Threaten to introduce bedbugs to the pre-kindergarten blankie-storage cubbies if you are not granted an immediate personal interview with the full Board of Trustees.
2. Send money. The School cannot bow to parental pressure, of course, but it will accept cash in exchange for reconsideration of your child’s application.
3. Many type-A parents in your situation have found that blackmailing a School faculty member is a nonviolent attention-getter and has the additional benefit of saving you heavy legal-defense costs if your efforts to gain admission for your child have been accompanied by ethnic slurs, phony claims of physical handicaps, or the forging of the child’s date and country of birth.
About the Negatively Gifted Child
Once you have succeeded in having your application reconsidered, you may wish to appeal to the admissions committee to reclassify your child. For instance, instead of Brat / Head Case / Dull-Normal, ask that he or she be identified as Negatively Gifted.*
If the Appeals Board allows your Negatively Gifted child to proceed to Phase III (consisting of an interview with a panel of forensic accountants, genealogists, and phrenologists), you may attend the interview along with your toddler. Anecdotal evidence suggests that locking eyes with each panel member for five minutes while fondling a bowie knife can help assure an “admit” vote.
Special note to the type-AA parent: Kidnapping a successful candidate for pre-kindergarten enrollment can instantly open up a place for your child.
*Children designated as Brats, Head Cases, or Dull-Normal may benefit from our new Midas Touch program. Consult your hedge-fund manager or estate planner for details. ♦
Read the entire article here at the New Yorker: http://www.newyorker.com/humor/2010/02/08/100208sh_shouts_mccall#ixzz0eOIGRZ6i